Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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