My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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