I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
