I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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