3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
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