I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
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