I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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