i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize