If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Everything about him screamed your future.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
