Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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