What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
