Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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