she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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