Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
