I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
