Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
