I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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