My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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