Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
