so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
