I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
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