I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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