update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
