I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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