Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
