I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
