The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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