Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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