You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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