Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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