I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
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