Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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