I think my fart just growled at me.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
