I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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