It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
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