so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
