Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
