meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize