How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
