my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
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