I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
