I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize