According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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