You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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