he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Randomize