saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
