Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
