Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
