i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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