Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
