Where is the hickey?
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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