went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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