She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
