The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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