when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
