she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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