The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
