I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
