Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
