i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
