she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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