weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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