Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
